Whenever summertime rolls around, I always feel my anxiety breathe a hugeeeee sigh of relief. The term is over, exams are over, and I can finally relax and re-couperate for a while. However, this summer has been significantly different because, in case you haven’t seen any of my approximately one million, four hundred and fifty-seven tweets about it, Zack has gone away.
Now, I’ve known that Zack would be going away this July since last October. When I first found out, I was really upset, I’m not going to lie. I was quite emotional and my anxiety was super high for a few weeks, in fact. However, as December rolled around, I kind of just tried to forget about it.
I mean, I was never going to be super enthusiastic about not seeing my fiancé for 6 months, but I knew that we would get through it so I tried to put it to the back of my mind and focus on spending Christmas with him, since he will miss Christmas this year.
And, for a while, it worked.
But then my world kind of came crashing down around me in February when something happened to Zack which seemed very scary and serious at the time. We still don’t 100% know what happened, so this isn’t the place for discussing that, but I’ve got to mention it because context. This incident meant that Zack possibly could be stopped from going away. I didn’t actually let myself believe it, because I didn’t want to be let down and a part of me just knew that it would happen. It felt pre-determined, almost.
And, yup, I was right; he was definitely going.
So, again, I tried to forget about it, and put it to the back of my mind. I didn’t want the time that I had with him over the next few months to be tarnished by worry and anxiety and, for once, my anxiety actually let me forget. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I did have a few hiccups, but, generally, I was pretty proud of myself.
And then Zack actually went.
And that just about brings you up to speed!
So, I wasn’t actually as upset as I thought I would be when Zack first left. I was actually managing my anxiety, and it all felt a bit too good to be true. It was, obviously, but for a few days my anxiety gave me a break.
In fact, maybe I’m being a little harsh. My anxiety hasn’t been that bad at all since Zack left, and I’ve certainly experience much worse anxiety periods. I do get the familiar flutter or tight chest feeling every now and then, but those are definitely things that I can cope with when I am feeling strong, like I am at the moment.
Moving back to Doncaster has also been a lot better than I thought it would be. I’ve actually moved in with my grandparents for the summer and have looked at getting a little job, and I’m actually enjoying being home! I think something that’s played a bit part in this, though, is the fact that I can now drive. Zack has kindly borrowed me his car whilst he’s away, so I don’t feel trapped in Doncaster like I used to. And, as I am claustrophobic, this is a big big thing for me!
All in all, I am pretty proud of myself.
I don’t want this post to come off as a boast or anything, but I have endeavoured to always be honest with you about my anxiety, and to tell you the good and the bad. And, I am coping a hell of a lot better than I thought I would. Don’t get me wrong, I miss Zack incredibly every single day and I do have periods where I feel really down, but I haven’t actually experienced much anxiety over the situation.
I am undoubtably in a much better place than I was a year a go, and I wanted to document it to show you the difference that a year can make!
In fact, I found one of my old diaries yesterday, and I was absolutely shocked by the content. I kind of vaguely remember having said diary, but I have definitely been repressing any memories of how I felt back then. I even had really painful events written down that I had completely forgotten had happened. However, rather than throwing me back to that dark place like I always thought it would, it actually helped me to see just how far I have come. Written when I was around 14/15 years old, I documented my daily (and sometimes bi-daily) panic attacks vividly. It’s funny though, because it helped me to write it all down back then just as it does now with these updates!
It definitely gave me hope that there’s a future in which I will be able to manage and cope with my anxiety, if this is how far I’ve already come.