Me, Myself and Pie; On My Relationship With Food

TW: eating disorders, dieting, vomit and weight loss.

Do you like my title?

It was actually the title of my A-Level coursework where I wrote the first chapter of an autobiography, and I’ve always wanted to reuse it for a blog post.

Anyway, I have a much more important topic to discuss today; my relationship with food.

This post is not advice. It’s not medically informed, and it’s not perfect; it’s simply my story. I do not condone my actions, nor do I make excuses for them and I do not wish to trigger any of you, hence the trigger warning. If this is too much for you at any point, please do feel free to stop reading. Lots of love xxx

Now, I feel like it’s important to disclaim that I have written this post before. In fact, I’ve probably written this post 6 or 7 times, and each one has ended up in the trash. I’ve even mentioned it in other blog posts, and deleted those bits too. I know I have hinted at this before, so if you have followed my blog for a while you may have already guessed, but I thought it was time to come clean and be honest; I’ve always had a really turbulent relationship with food.

For as long as I can remember, people around me have said ‘if you eat that you’ll end up like your dad’ and ‘you’ll have your dad’s figure if you stop exercising’. Now, it’s important to say here that my dad is a little chubby and always has been, for as long as I can remember. His family have that type of build, but it does also mean that my dad has Type 2 Diabetes. I won’t go into that right now, maybe another day.

These fleeting comments really have haunted me from a young age and negatively affected the way I see my appearance, as you probably know if you’ve read my posts such as The Wedding Diaries; ‘You’ll Want To Lose A Bit Of Weight Before Your Wedding’Learning To Love Myself and Meal Replacements? Collaboration with DietNow! #ad.

Yeah, that last one is a little problematic isn’t it? I have thought many, many times about deleting it, but it’s a reflection of the place that I was in when I wrote it, so I’ve decided to keep it for now.

Anyway, so from a young age I had a complex about what I ate, constantly. When I was around 8/9, I noticed that I didn’t snack on chocolate bars and crisps like other people my age, I ate tomatoes and fruit and cucumber and carrots, they were my snacks. Now, this isn’t a bad thing. They were healthy options, no doubt, but the point that I am trying to make here is that I had started to restrict my food due to conceptions of ‘health’ and trying not to ‘end up like my dad’, and it was really quite damaging.

I didn’t eat biscuits, milk, cake, or bread. If you asked me why, I’d tell you that I didn’t like them.

And then I moved up to secondary school, and I joined the wonderful world of social media. And that’s when something really serious began.

Over the summer before year 7, I was determined that I wanted to lose weight. I came up with a stupid ‘water diet’ (which I named myself). This basically meant that when I felt hungry, I’d drink water until I didn’t. I just want to say now that I am in no way promoting this, I know how damaging and unhealthy this truly was now, but at the time, that’s honestly what I did. My parents didn’t know about this (of course) as I continued to eat meals at home, it was just during the day (every day) with my friends that I wouldn’t eat anything, because I felt like I was slightly bigger than them and I couldn’t bring myself to eat in front of them.

When I went back to school in September, I simply couldn’t keep this up. I felt like I was gaining weight, so I made the decision to skip breakfast, because I thought that was the only way forward. I was still restricting what I did actually eat, but this made me feel better for now.

And then, before long, the fear of people seeing me eat crept into my daily life at school too. I knew these people, I had seen them eat for years and years and vice versa, but all of a sudden I felt like I could not stand letting them watch me eat any longer. So, I started to skip lunch too. My mum made me lunch (of course) but I threw it away. After a while, I felt bad about the wasted food so asked mum to start giving me lunch money instead. I never spent this on food, of course, I saved it instead. (My family were never well off so I feel incredibly guilty admitting to this, but I couldn’t let my parents know that I wasn’t eating 2 meals a day).

I was losing weight, rapidly, and I was happy about it. I started to enjoy feeling hungry, it was an indication of all the weight that I was losing, or so I thought.

Of course, this couldn’t last forever. In the next year, my dancing commitments really stepped up and I was hungrier than ever before. Around that time, I also read a book. I cannot remember what it was called, but in the book one of the twins started to make herself sick in order to lose weight. It described (in detail) exactly how to do this without being caught.

I remember there being a week or so when I couldn’t stop thinking about this book. I knew that it was wrong and that I shouldn’t, but it also sounded like a great plan to me. I could eat what I wanted but not gain the calories, and it didn’t take long for me to start doing this.

Admitting this is incredibly hard.

The only person who knew, at the time, was my (then) best friend, and she did it too.

I’m stopping at this point to let you know that this is the furthest I’ve ever gotten with writing this down, and I’m proud of myself for getting this far. I’ve got tears rolling down my cheeks and I’ve text Zack for some moral support, but I am proud.

Ok, so this is the part of the story where Zack comes in.

Zack came into my life and made me happy. I had felt worthless for a very long time, and so I hadn’t cared about being healthy, I only cared about how I looked. But, he suddenly made me realise that I did want to be healthier.

At the beginning of our relationship, being with Zack actually made it easier for me to eat less. I could go to his after school so I wouldn’t have to eat, or if he was at mine I could offer him my food so that I didn’t have to eat as much of it. I couldn’t be sick anymore, though, as Zack was there. But, after awhile, Zack became aware that I wasn’t eating very much, and he was concerned.

I opened up to him, and he was the first person to ever make me see just how wrong what I was doing was. And, slowly but surely, I started to recover.

I didn’t ever get medical advice or go to see a doctor, luckily my life was changed before things got too bad. But, if I could say anything to younger self, it would be to do so. If I’d have got medical help, I could’ve recovered sooner.

Until last year, I didn’t ever tell anyone about my experience. I kept it hidden, and kept it to myself. But, last year, something a bit shit happened. My worst fears were confirmed, and someone called me the f-word. I had quite a tough time for a few weeks after that, but I also realised how far I had come from that place. I may have been reminded of it and thrown back there for a second, but I overcame those thoughts and quickly realised that I wanted to share my story.

I told my mum and my nan. You may have been wondering for the duration of this post how they didn’t know, and the answer is that I hid it well. I did it gradually, so people thought I was just losing weight gradually. As I started dancing more also, that was an easy excuse. It also affected my skin colouring and made me look ill, but I’ve always been pale so I passed it off as that. It also affected my teeth, and this one I couldn’t really hide, but I used whitening toothpaste 3 times a day in an effort to try and stop it. My periods were also affected, and this scared me a lot.

When I first told them, my mum and nan were upset that they hadn’t realised. But I do not blame them for that and never have; I was good at hiding it and never gave them a reason to worry.

So where am I now?

Well, I’ve gained a lot of weight. I try not to restrict my food as best I can. I also try not to worry about calories or healthy choices, as I am aware that this did me no good last time.  I try to just eat when I’m hungry, and it’s been working so far. I do still have a complex about eating in public places, but I am trying my best to overcome that, I even ate on the train yesterday! I have this weird thing where I shake if I get too hungry, I’m not sure what that is but it’s a little scary sometimes.

I’ve tried to tell this story as candid and honest as possible. I haven’t tried to make it into a love story and make out that Zack saved me, but that is genuinely what happened. He didn’t do anything really special or out of the ordinary, but he helped me greatly to see that I was worth something and that the ways that I was using to ‘lose weight’ just weren’t right, and for that I will be forever grateful.

If you have or are experiencing similar issues and would like to seek help, please contact Beat on 08088010677. Alternatively, you can contact their student line (08088010811) or their youth line (08088010711). You can also find out more information on the NHS website. Mind also offer a text line 86463.

Love,

H x

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25 Replies to “Me, Myself and Pie; On My Relationship With Food”

  1. I have so much respect for you for opening up and sharing this blog post, Hayley! I can completely understand why you found it so difficult to write, but I’m sure that sharing your experiences will be a relatable thing for very many people out there, and I hope it was cathartic for you as well. You have done so, so well to battle this with Zack’s support, you should be really proud of yourself for working on your attitude and becoming much healthier. You are definitely not fat in any sense, you are gorgeous girl who is way more than a number on a scale! Wishing you nothing but positivity and the rest of your journey, you’ve done absolutely amazing to come so far already! Big hugs!

    Abbey xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I can’t even imagine how difficult this must have been for you to wirte up, but I think it is so brave of you. I’m so glad you are doing so much better, and that Zack was able to come along and help you to recover. You are absolutely beautiful!

    Sarah xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I think you’re really brave for sharing your story and FYI, I love your title! I also have a complex relationship (or did have) with food so I totally understand how weird and awful and confusing it can be. I think it’s important to open up about it, like you’ve done and hopefully make other people aware that having a complicated relationship with food, diet and our own bodies isn’t something to be ashamed about xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Thank you so much for this post. I’ve struggled with my weight a lot recently and blamed it on my relationship with food when in all honesty, I have no one to blame but my lack of self-control. Wishing you all the best as you continue this journey.

    cabin twenty-four

    Like

  5. Thank you for sharing this story with us. I relate to it a lot. I was diagnosed with an eating disorder beginning of my twenties. I was on a diet ever since 12 when somebody very dear to me said I should lose weight or keep my weight more in check. It only lead to a serious dysfunctional relationship with food. I had a combination of things> I wouldn’t throw up, or exercise a lot, but I would try to compensate for heavy eating by skipping meals. And I became an emotional eater too.
    I love food a lot, but still struggle with my relationship with it at times. I have learned to embrace my emotions in a different way over years of working with them. It taught me so much. I always say that an eating disorder is like a demon beneath the surface. It can go to sleep and then suddenly wake up when you are unaware. I’ve learned to restrain it in a way that I can continue to live my life with joy. But there is still work to be done.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I really do admire you for writing such an honest, raw post. This is something that I can really relate to but I’ve never found the words for it but you’ve summed it up so well so thank you for writing this. Also, you’re doing an amazing job lovely xx

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Taking your inside out on a post like this is something I truly admire. You sound so authentic, so genuine.
    It’s so comforting to have someone by your side, holding your hand, and make you feel that it’s ok. My partner is doing the exact same thing for me, for different reasons, but the outcome is exactly the same.
    Keep being you, it’s wonderful.
    -Katie xx

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Hayley my darling girl i hope you know just how beautiful you are. 💕 I think every woman to some extent has a weird relationship with food i know i have in the past. I still do today, as i have a fear about getting bigger again & always chastise myself if I eat badly for one meal or one day.
    You are so so brave & I admire you immensely. Thank You for speaking out.
    Loadsa love
    Sarah Xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

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