If there’s one thing that I simply cannot do, it’s take a break.
You’ve probably realised this if you’ve followed me for, well, about 2 weeks.
I always say I’m going to have a break, and I never do. I mean, for gods sake, I started this blog the week of my a level exams because I was panicking that I was going to be bored over the summer. I’m just bloody awful at it, I can’t stop, I always have to be doing something.
For years now, I’ve actually considered this an off-spring of my anxiety, because my brain. is constantly working so quick that, generally, if I don’t have something to occupy me, my thoughts float to those anxious places that I don’t want to go to.
However, this has resulted in an eventual crash, many, many times. A few weeks ago I said I was going to take a blog break, I really needed to because I had an exam coming up, as well as two written work deadlines, and I completed blogmas all whilst working on revision and my deadlines. I had 2 days off over Christmas, that’s it.
So, yeah, I should’ve taken a blog break. And it lasted 2 days.
And I make jokes about it like ‘oh guys, my blog break lasted 2 days here’s a new post lol’, but it actually is a bit concerning. I don’t seem to have the bit in my brain that’s like BREAK TIME. And I’ve always been like this. I’ve always pushed myself too hard and then ended up breaking down.
I think this is possibly because I live so in fear of my anxiety that I just try to avoid it. I mean, I can officially say that I successfully completed December without having an anxiety attack (that I remember anyway) which is big for me, yay! But, I also know full-well that the reason for this is because I busied myself to the point of exhaustion.
And then I went back to uni and as soon as I stepped foot in my house I realised I was really ill (3 days before my exam). So I decided to take that day off to ‘get better’, hoping that it was a 24 hour thing. However, I just progressively got worse. And my brain just slowed down. It was so frustrating because for like 3 days my brain just wouldn’t work how it usually does, and, of course, one of those days was my exam day.
To be honest, it will be a miracle if I have passed that exam. But I’ve come to terms with it now, and accepted that there’s nothing that I can do about illness. So, if I have to resit to pass, then that’s what will have to happen.
But, exam aside, it is actually quite concerning that, even when I was ill, I pushed myself to that point. Yes, I had an exam. But just before that time I was also writing blog posts, replying to emails, I was trying to function even though I should’ve known that it was only making me worse.
And now I’ve finally had a break. It may have only been a day or two, but it was a complete break where I genuinely laid and stared at the ceiling and cried on Zack (thanks bae).
So, why am I so bad at taking breaks? I don’t know, I don’t have an answer. But I am trying to get better, and hopefully I don’t have to push myself to this point next time. I’m slowly trying to get back to grips with everything atm, and hopefully I’ll be back on top form soon!