This is something that I have never explicitly thought about, but I guess has always been there. If you’ve been following me since I started, you’ll know that I first started this blog anonymously under ‘H’. I didn’t post any personal details about myself, nor any pictures of myself, nor even my name. I wanted that protection at first because, even though I didn’t write personal posts, blogging still made me feel vulnerable.
But, slowly I got more and more confident. I started writing much more personal posts about mental health, I started to upload pictures of myself, and I even (finally) revealed my name recently. Each of these things in turn I have found incredibly nerve-wracking, but I’ve always been greeted with positive responses.
So, a tweet of mine happened to get pretty popular, and I got many lovely messages. However, I also got some really shitty ones. I’m not even going to say what they said, but some of them were incredibly nasty, and incredibly hurtful.
And, all of a sudden I panicked. I mean, through blogging I obviously know that I am putting myself out there, but it’s easy to forget just how much I actually share sometimes. Comments about my appearance I find particularly distressing, as they don’t leave my head for days, no matter how much I want them to. But, if I was going to continue to blog, (presumably) this is only going to get worse, right?
I don’t know. I freaked out. And I cried, hard.
And, it just begged the question for me, am I brave enough to be a blogger?
I mean, things like this are major triggers for me. Without going into too much detail, I’ve had terrible experiences with people insulting my appearance in the past, and now I am very affected by such things. Am I a snowflake? Hell yes I am, and I own it.
But, it’s easy to freak out in situations like this, and to forget how far I have already come. I’ve already dealt with little things like this and got over it. I’ve had a few little tiffs in the blogging community, and I’ve survived, I am okay. Did it leave me having a shitty MH night? Yes. But from it I learned that I am stronger.
A lot of people told me to ignore the comments, and referred to them as trolls. I understand why, and I’d maybe even give out this information myself to a friend in a similar situation, but the fact of the matter is that that is simply easier said than done. I can’t ignore such things because they hurt me, and that’s that.
Will I grow a thicker skin because of blogging eventually? Absoluteeeely. I already have, and I can definitely see my confidence continuing to grow. But, surely these type of comments knock everyone off balance from time to time? I mean, no one likes to read bad things about themselves!
So yeah, this is just a post of my thoughts and where I’m at as regards to blogging. I really do want to be even more open on here, but this does make me feel slightly vulnerable, and I won’t be able to do so until my confidence grows again.
Thanks for reading this little rant.
P.S. Please just be nice to people. It’s much easier.