For the last few years, sort of when I got to 16 and beyond, I have really really worried about who I am. That sounds ridiculous, but I always sort of felt like a nothing person in that I didn’t feel like I had a style, or anything special about me. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my future, I struggled to know what I enjoy, and I worried that I never would know these things.
At 16, I think you’re pressured into making a lot of decisions. I had to decide if I wanted to stay on at school and, if so, what I wanted to study. Soon after, I had to decide what I wanted to carry on studying. Then UCAS came around and I had to decide on universities and courses. In the middle of all of this, I was maturing personally and struggling to decide a lot of things about me. Now, I’m at university and thinking about my future and it’s just all so overwhelming. I think if you let it, it really can consume you because it’s scary to be told at 16/17/18/19 by adults with 20+ years of experience on you that you NEED to know.
Well, I’m here to tell you that you don’t. I’ve always been a very planned person, and I felt obliged to justify every choice I made. I wanted to study English because I love it, but it’s not deemed the most prestigious of subjects job-wise (more on that in a later post) and I felt like I had to justify this decision. So, I started saying i wanted to become a teacher because it made my life easier to pretend I had a plan. In reality, I really didn’t have a plan at all, but that is OKAY.
The fact that I didn’t have a plan scared me because I didn’t feel like I knew who I was yet and i had so many people telling me that I should, it’s scary and it’s pressurising. But, I think it’s something we all come to find at different stages of our lives. Now, at 19, I run this blog which I absolutely love and has definitely contributed towards me becoming ‘me’. I know what my style is, I know what clothes suit me, I know what my writing style is. I know what I do and don’t like, and I know what kind of person I want to be in this world. I also know how I want to spend my future and what career pathway I want to take.
But all of this knowledge is temporary because as we grow, inevitably, it will change but that is OKAY. In a few years time, I might no longer know the answers to any of the things that I know now but that’s fine, because now I have the confidence in myself to know that I will find these answers again.
So, if you’re feeling under pressure, scared for your future, or feeling like a nothing-person like I was because you don’t know the answers to all of the decisions you’re being asked to make, don’t worry about it. You’ll get there eventually when you are ready, it’s different for everyone but don’t panic. And, when you do know the answers to these questions, don’t panic if you change your mind. As we grow and evolve, change is inevitable and change is a good thing.
You will find out who you are eventually, but until then, you are not a nothing-person. Don’t compare your growth to someone else’s, they’re different to you and on their own timeline. Everything you learn whilst finding out who you are will eventually add up and become who you are. We need these lessons along the way to learn who we really are.
I guess the reason I wanted to write this post was just to say that it’s totally okay if you don’t feel like you know who you are yet. We grow at different paces so don’t panic, you’ll get there.